I went from being ashamed to being empowered

Puberty and the beginning

When I was 13, puberty happened to me differently than those around me. My body changed very quickly, and I started looking older than I actually was. I went from being invisible at school to getting noticed by all genders and teachers. At home, my parents started regulating my diet and commenting on my eating habits, asking me to watch my weight. I actually wasn't even overweight at the time. By the time I was 14, I had stopped playing all sports. Whenever I was forced to during PT, the girls would giggle at me and the boys would gather and stare. I stopped cycling with my friends in the evening because on more than one occasion, we were followed by grown men in cars and I was blamed for it. I stopped going to buy candy and sweets alone, as grown men would offer to buy them for me in exchange for a hug or if I sat on their laps.

Isolation and restriction

I started wearing two bras and men's t-shirts, which were four sizes larger than mine. I stayed alone at home most days, playing with my dog, cycling on my own, and reading books. Lizzie McGuire and Raven Baxter became my new friends. I routinely got bullied at school, even by teachers who would ask me to stop distracting boys if I spoke to even one of them. I started avoiding boys entirely.

All my friends were in relationships, but I chose to stay alone, and due to that, there was a distance between us all. The food restrictions at home started getting very strict, and most days I was extremely hungry. I started hating my body. I felt ashamed of it; I hated my face, my hair, my skin—everything about my physical appearance. Despite being a healthy weight for my height, I was told by my friends and family that I would look beautiful if I lost some weight.

The tipping point

One day, the boy I liked called me "moti," and something snapped in me. I went to the shop, got myself candies, chocolates, coke, and chips, hid them all in my school bag, and went home. After lunch, I locked myself in my room, allowed myself to feel bad, and ate all the food I bought. This was the first time I felt so good after feeling so horrible. The truth was that I really loved who I was; I really liked spending time with myself, and I had a lot of fun, but due to my body, I would spend a lot of time feeling negative about myself.

So I started binging, and my weight actually started increasing. By the time I was 18, I was overweight. I started becoming invisible again. Boys didn't notice me as much, women didn't feel threatened by me, and my parents behaved the same way, but didn't say much because I would wear loose baggy clothes and was fully clothed below my neck. Life was good.

In college, things became different. I got attention because of my intelligence, and nobody commented on my body.

The transformation

One day, however, a guy who was bullying people and hated feminists came and told me that he'd seen me in the Avengers and I "...was so good... as the Hulk!!!" I took that as a compliment, went to the mall, bought the Incredible Hulk sweatshirt, and wore it to class the next day. He never said anything to me ever again. I realised that it didn't bother me so much because I didn't care about his opinion. I decided to stop shaming myself and seek professional help.

Help and diagnosis

I was diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder and Mild Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I took numerous talk therapy and hypnotherapy sessions. I understood what fat-phobia was and worked on my own issues with it. I learned how to accept my body as it is, and I stopped binge eating. I set clear boundaries with my parents about not talking about my weight or body. I got better at expressing my emotions in a healthy way. I stopped loving food in the way I did and started appreciating it for its value added. I stopped going on diets and started eating a nutritious diet. I met a man who loved me as I was, and I opened up to him about my issues.

Epilogue

I am not saying that my issues are completely gone. I have days when I go shopping and something doesn't fit me even though it's my size, which makes me feel horrible. I still mostly wear baggy clothes, but every day I work on it with myself, and every week I work on it with my therapist. I am a work in progress, and I am loving the progress so far. I think we all need to be mindful about what we say to whom and when.

Jokes are only funny if both parties enjoy them. If you are the only one laughing and the other looks distressed, it's best to stop. Before you call someone "moti" as a joke, ask yourself how would you feel if someone called you by something you are insecure about? We all have insecurities and we need to feel safe before we can start laughing at them. It took a lot out of me to write this, even when it is anonymous, so be kind, be respectful.